A GRINNING Donald Trump is expected to reveal that his candidacy for the Republican Party presidential nomination was meant as an elaborate April Fool’s hoax to show how bigoted and xenophobic the majority of GOP voters were.
The leading vote-getter in the 29 primaries and caucuses already held, Trump apparently could not believehow gullible Republican officials and party members were in their desperation to win back the White House.
Each time he tried to torpedo his own candidacy, as when he ‘dissed’ Senator John McCain and all prisoners of war for allowing themselves to be captured, or when he advocated waterboarding and more extreme measures of torture, Trump was apparently surprised to see his poll numbers go up.
Comb-over? More flyaway!
Even when it was revealed he had donated thousands of dollars to Hillary Clinton’s campaigns and invited Hillary and her husband, former president Bill Clinton, to his daughter’s wedding he was able to hoodwink the public into believing it was just ‘business as usual’ for an entrepreneur like him to curry favor with politicians of both major parties.
In fact, Trump is said by friends to be a proud progressive imbued with “real New York values” who feared that he had shown his “true colours” and overplayed his hand in acknowledging the value of Planned Parenthood as a valued healthcare provider for many women.
Only the phoney candidate’s fear of exposure before April Fool’s Day prompted him to double down on anti-abortion rhetoric with his assertion that women ought to be prosecuted if they obtained illegal abortions. Rich men’s wives, he hinted, always underwent such procedures. “That’s one of the benefits of being rich,” he has been heard to muse.
But now that the big secret has been revealed, joker Trump has another surprise for Republicans: he’s staying in the race to win it!
Who knew, he tells friends, that it would be so easy to vanquish a field of more than a dozen contenders? Who knew how gullible voters could be? Who knew how bigoted and just plain dumb they were?
“There’s nothing in the party rules book that would mandate my dropping out,” Trump has said. “Sure, at the convention party leaders could change the rules to deny me the nomination, but they were going to do that anyway, so why not expose the hypocrisy of the process and the party faithful right now?” he argues.
Even after admitting it was all a joke, Trump still believes he will win primaries in New York, New Jersey, California and other states to give him sufficient delegates to win a first round nomination at the Cleveland convention, assuming no changes are made to convention rules.
Giant Jersey governor Chris Christie
Trump is also expected to pick the gigantic New Jersey governor Chris Christie as his vice presidential running mate and, if elected, to designate him as attorney general, as well. “There’s enough of Chris to go around for both jobs,” Trump staffers say privately.
As expected, Republicans Ted Cruz and John Kasich alongside Democrats Clinton and Bernie Sanders, together with leaders of both parties, have denounced Trump’s duplicity, but, as in the past, their criticisms fell on deaf ears and brainless minds as Trump’s poll numbers rose in instant surveys run by the media.
Happy couple: Megyn and Donald
It was further believed that, far from feuding with Fox News anchor Megyn Kelly (they publicly fall out big-time on an almost monthly basis), Trump and she are ‘very, very close’ following the end of his ‘intensely secret friendship’ with his former sparring partner, actress Rosie O’Donnell.
He is also said to have admitted that he is not “really, really rich,” and that he is, in fact, only a billion or so away from filing for personal bankruptcy; and that his two best friends in all the world are a Muslim in charge of security at Trump Tower and an illegal Mexican immigrant (one of the team of gardeners at his Mar-a-Lago resort) who also trims his hair with secateurs.
Go figure. . .
HEALTH, WEALTH AND STEALTH WARNING: This report was originally filed last Friday but was held back in case readers believed it to be an April Fool joke
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