IN MY YOUNGER YEARS working for Kelvin Mackenzie at The Sun I spent time in the same newsroom as that astrological phenomenon, Mystic Meg. And you don’t spend months alongside such a master (mistress?) of her trade without picking up a few tricks.
So today, in response to an increasing postbag, I present a new columnist: Mystic Banksy, the Man With All the Answers. . .
Dear Mystic Banksy,
Have I got this right : if I want to shoot birds with my camera I must be in a group of no more than six, but if I shoot them with a gun I can add 24 more people to my party? – ‘ARFUR’ EDWARDS, WAPPING
Dear ‘Arfur’: If it’s company you seek, ditch the Box Brownie in favour of a twelve-bore. As ever, it’s the gun-totin’ wealthy wot gets the pleasure. That Tory MP Rees-Mogg says us hoi-polloi should stop carping about shortages of Covid-19 tests but grousing still seems to be permitted for the posh! Seems a bit hard on the birds.
Dear Mystic Banksy,
Someone on Twitter criticised Newcastle United for signing (Sgt) Wilson and (LCpl) Fraser from Bournemouth but NOT recruiting (Pte) Godfrey (instead of Lewis) from Norwich. Is that fair? – CAPT. GEORGE MAINWARING, WARMINGTON-ON-SEA
Dear Mainwaring: Hilarious! But what a strike force, even without Pte Godfrey who, it was feared, would have to leave the field every five minutes for a call of Nature!
Dear Mystic Banksy,
I heard a BBC newsreader say, “David Cameron was the fifth former prime minister to criticise the government”. I know he looks young, but is he still at school? And why does Gary Lineker earn more money than Boris Johnson? – NIGEL NO-MATES, UKIP-ON-THAMES
Dear Nigel: Lineker has qualifications and experience. Nuff said? As for young Cameron, yes he’s still in the Fifth form – having lost the big Euro-match for his team he was made to repeat a year.
Dear Mystic Banksy,
Did Baroness (Dido) Harding really blame the test and trace fiasco on the fact that “no one had expected the increase in demand for tests?” – FLORRIE NIGHTINGALE, CRIMEA
Dear Florrie:’Fraid so. Apparently she was equally astonished when the sun came up this morning!
Dear Mystic Banksy,
I’m still having trouble posting the latest instalment of my book on voiceofthenorth: I get a message telling me to reconnect my link with Facebook but I don’t do Facebook so you told me to ignore it, but my IT guru insists that “ignoring something never fixes the issue – Covid-19, cancer, my wife. . . need I go on?”. So who do I believe? – BERNARD TRAFFORD, SANDYHOUSE
Dear Bernard: ‘Covid-19, the wife, cancer’? I’ve ignored all three in my lifetime and lived to tell the tale. Bank on it! [To find out if Mystic Banks was correct, click HERE- Ed.]
